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Cherish the
Bones
by
Joyce Kinmont, (revised), from issue #10
A Call to Closeness, LDS-HEA newsletter
Since
"boneless" chicken is available at any meat counter, Gary Larson
apparently reasoned that someone somewhere must be raising that particular breed
of fowl and drew a Far Side cartoon depicting such a place. The cartoon
shows us the gate to the ranch, a "Boneless Chicken Ranch" sign
hanging over the gate, and a number of chickens flopped around like rags on the
ground and on the fence.
Children are like that too, you know. Or at least we act as though they
are. We assume that they come to us with nothing inside, and we fear that
if we don't put everything there that needs to be there, it simply won't
happen. Our mission as benevolent but superior adults is to instill in
children everywhere the collection of facts and skills calculated to make them
successful adults. We know they could never get there without our forced
feeding.
Maybe, just maybe, though, our children are not like floppy, boneless chickens.
Maybe they are more like the alfalfa seeds greening in my window sill.
Alfalfa sprouts begin with the tiniest of seeds, and with nothing but moisture
to support their growth, without our telling them what to do or putting anything
into them, they sprout into healthy plants many times their original
size. The intelligence was already in the seed!
ACADEMIC KNOWLEDGE
If children are "boneless," adults do need to take responsibility to
put the essential body of knowledge into them. Our whole school system is set up
on the principle that education is something we DO TO children.
If, on the other hand, our children are like alfalfa seeds, they will gather
knowledge on their own just as they breath in air, grow taller, play with their
toys, and experience life. Then we can take a supporting role, stocking
our homes with educational enticements, setting an ever-learning example,
bringing great mentors into our lives, and trusting in the fact that learning is
a normal brain function and will go on unless something unnatural interferes.
Instead of lesson plans and lectures, we can relax and enjoy learning together.
We can be leaders rather than managers.
The entire body of knowledge in the universe might be likened to that big
elephant which we must eat "a bite at a time." In this life, we
will get only a small way into the elephant. Our parental job is not to
cut off pieces and shove them into our floppy chickens…. children; it is to
show them around the elephant so they know what's available, to help them find
those parts they came here to eat (which may or may not be the same parts the
professionals label as important), to respectfully share what we know about
eating elephants and introduce them to elephant experts who will answer their
questions, and to encourage them to keep eating.
SUBDUING THE NATURAL MAN
Fundamentalist Christianity says that children are evil by nature and must
therefore be tightly controlled and disciplined with the rod until their evil
natures are subdued. Mormonism teaches that children are first pure,
innocent, and good. I take King Benjamin's teaching that we must "put
off the natural man and (become) as a child" (Mosiah 3:19) as evidence of
that. If we were perfect and could raise our children in a perfect
environment, most of them would stay that way; but we live in an imperfect world
that entices us to become less, a problem affecting adults as well as children.
An interesting
proof of our deep, mistaken conviction that children are bad is our use of the
term "childish behavior." When we say, "You're behaving
like a six-year-old!" aren't we saying that children behave badly and
adults behave well? Watch the people at the mall late in the day. If
the adults feel cranky they feel justified in yelling at their children because
they have had a long day, their heads ache, or their children are a terrible
trial. But if the children are tired and cranky they are not justified in
behaving badly and will be reprimanded for their "childish" behavior.
We have all been tried, tested, and proven in the pre-existence, and we are
assigned the Earthly experience we earned and needed. We become on Earth a
mixture of heredity, environment, what we were before--first as raw
intelligences and then as spirit children--and the consequences of the choices
we make here. The heredity we cannot control, but the environment we can.
As parents, we are a major part of our children's environment. That's why we have
such a responsibility to become Christlike. And if we are good teachers we
can help our children see the consequences of their choices. If we are
well-behaved we will not push them into rebellion and poor choices.
It seems safe to assume that we who have been selected to raise last-days
children will be sent the strongest and best spirits and that they will come
prepared to fulfill their assigned missions. If we try to make them over
into someone else's idea of what they should be, we will only frustrate the work
of God. If we focus on the divinity that is in them, we don't have to feel
responsible to beat them into submission or to put all moral judgment,
conscience, standards, etc. into their floppy, empty bodies. They came
with all that, and they are happier when they are being good; we just need to
nurture that goodness by our own example and by gentle teachings. That
means less lecturing, less condemnation, less manipulation, and more faith and
confidence.
LEARNING TO THINK
"Children don't know how to reason," said one commentator who was
suggesting that a course in reasoning be included in the elementary grades.
But human beings do reason. If today's children don't, it's because
they have been "dummied down" in endless hours of classroom seatwork.
All we need to do is avoid most classrooms and nurture the inherent thinking
power each child comes with. Like the bones in a chicken, it is there
already. We don't put it in; we just feed it!
SURVIVING IN THE REAL WORLD
"I made my child pay room and board so he'd know what the real world is
like." Statements like this come from an assumption that our young
people cannot learn to cope with the realities of life if we allow things to be
too easy for them, so we have to create opposition just for the experience.
I submit that there is already plenty of opposition in the world and that we and
our children ought to stand together against what's out there. I suggest
that we draw an imaginary line between ourselves and the world and
"feel" whether we and our children are on the same side. Most
are not.
We have been told that a forgotten lunch should elicit the reply, "That's
too bad, dear, what are you going to do about it?" What really
happens to our relationships when we treat each other with such indifference?
True, we don't want to rescue our children from bad behavior, but a forgotten
lunch is seldom that. Why add to the stress? Why not just take the
lunch to the school and do so cheerfully? How can we teach service if we
don't serve? The family's job is to stand together, helping it's members
cope with forgotten lunches, financial pressures, or broken hearts.
We must be careful
how we help. Our children are capable of solving their problems with
support and encouragement; we must not take over with force or manipulation and
we must not assume that we know everything. Our children have sources of
power on which to draw, and hopefully we are one of those sources. It is
very possible that we do know best, that we do see more clearly than they do,
that we could save them from all mistakes, but not simply by virtue of the fact
that we are adults! By revelation, yes; by wisdom, yes; by experience,
yes--but not simply because we are older.
REBELLION
Do chickens have backbones? Our children do, and they should be encouraged
to stand tall against unrighteous dominion. In fact, I love the rebellious
students. I have even been found encouraging them.
President Benson has more than once reminded us that we fought a war in Heaven
over the issue of whether men would be free or whether we must be coerced into
good behavior. We should remember that we, and our children, fought, and
fought valiantly, for the cause of freedom. President Benson cautions us
not to change our votes once we get here.
Many adults have changed their votes, but our youth have more recently come here
and their hearts remember. Deep in their souls they understand the
doctrine. They yearn for freedom. Faced with the coercive nature of
"almost all men," they fight back, but not understanding what they are
feeling, and being young, they usually rebel in unwise ways.
When one of my daughter's high school friends couldn't bear another day of being
talked down to in a particular class and decided to cut, she went with him.
After a close call with a truant officer, they were feeling pretty
guilty. I showed them a "don't change your vote" statement from
President Benson so they would understand that while they chose a very poor
action, their resentment against captivity was a proper, natural feeling.
CHERISH THE BONES
If we are going to teach our children the really important lessons of eternity,
let's teach them to love learning, to study the things they need to know for
their earthly mission, to stretch themselves and move out of their comfort
zones. Let's teach them that they are children of a God who respects
freedom and that is why they feel rebellious when they are faced with
oppression. Let's teach them that there are wise and unwise ways to
"rebel," and that sometimes an even higher value might be to fall in
line for the good of the group or out of respect for a leader. Let's teach
them that they come here pure and well equipped and have within them the seeds
of greatness and Godliness.
No, we do not live on boneless children ranches. Our children are among
the best the Heavens have. Let's treat them with respect, using gentle
hands to keep them on the right path. Let's recognize the good and the
intelligence that is already in them, and make sure we are heading down the path
of refinement and growth, with love and acceptance that will draw them with us.
Let's cherish
those most precious, eternal, sacred, Godly bones.
______________________________________
Latter-day
Saints should be reminded how and why they voted as
they did in heaven. If some have decided to change their vote
they should repent--throw their support on the side of freedom….
Ezra Taft Benson
Conference, Oct '61
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